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officialunitedstates:

jemiferaniston:

officialunitedstates:

if the neighborhood isnt going to help me wash these squirrels i guess i will have to do it all by myself

why are you going to wash squirrels 

someone has to

the-winchester-initiative:

posthumous-mcdouble:

Hypothesis: if women are worse at parking, it’s only because they’ve been lied to about what eight inches is their entire lives

image

grimelords:

Telling the substitute teacher the wrong names: a classic. Telling the substitute teacher you are so old and born again every day, that ten thousand names could never define you, that you’re a shadowed mass swirling forth from jupiter, that your father is time and your mother is death, that you’ll swallow any scream of hers as you grow larger and ever larger: a super classic, king of the school, no homework ever.